Friday, June 10, 2011

Can't quiet the jitters

Jitters is not exactly the right word, but *ugh* how it's so ridiculously easy to overuse the term "anxiety".

So, what am I "jittery" about? Not sure. By that, I mean that I've always been nervous and worried. But it's always been a cognitive/"heady" thing. Now my body is getting into it and I really resent *that*!

The best way I can put it, in a stream-of-consciousness way that'll keep me writing and get me past the friggin' compulsion to drag on for worry of not adequately "crafting" a transition from intro to "meat", is to say that I'm beginning to feel like the temporal walls are closing in on me.

I feel like I've lived most of my life thus far like I've gone about the task of writing - I dwell and dwell and dwell, procrastinating like hell on getting on to the next phase - the next task, the next paragraph - hell - the next *SENTENCE*! - and to some finish line and the inseparably linked unknown new starting line.

That's the thing. It's the dragging on because I don't know what the frustrating fuck is after the end of the comfort zone I've reached, and this zone reached just like all the previous and likely all those to come - kicking and screaming and dragging and waiting!

Part of it is the very brain-frame with which I have been so unblessed, and which inspires the name of this blog: a literalness that ALWAYS confounds a smooth comprehension of my environment, and thus, over time and unbearable stress and resentment, an acquired apprehension that I "get" anything.

I'm always looking for reassurance and confirmation. It's a pretty God-damned unfunny irony that this truly manifested itself clinically - and very early in my life (see, I'm not a slow learner - I learned fear pretty damned quickly!). Yes - this *compulsion* to confirm and check and prove to my satisfaction (my mind's ever-threatening panic puts the bureaucratic "in triplicate" stereotype to shame!) did eventually acquire a name, but OCD sounds too simple. And it is. But it is apt in describing part of my problem.

But then, what the hell! It's a pretty fucking rational response to my constant and/or chronic confusion to LEARN this doubtfulness!

I'm not stupid. And thus, I'm constantly on edge.

God damn it, this sucks.

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