Thursday, June 11, 2009

You Wouldn't Speak to Me in Plain Language, so Now Let Me Show You What I'm Learning About Yours

This is What Happens when You Motivate a Pathologically Anxious and Depressed Person with the Only Force Greater Than His Dysthmia: FEAR

You could have been decent. Ideally, you could have let, er, sleeping drivers lie*2 ( Or, you could have woken him and told him to leave. OR, you could have said *NEXT* time, he's trespassing

You could have been decent. Ideally, you could have let, er, sleeping drivers lie*2 ( Or, you could have woken him and told him to leave. OR, you could have said *NEXT* time, he's trespassing. OR, you could have asked him if he needed medical attention. OR, you could have taken him to the station, voluntarily, to ascertain his fitness to drive. OR, you could have questioned him more thoroughly at the scene - and taken notes when he showed the first officer who ever found him sleeping on your campus (or was it the second time - there were SEVERAL) the prescription bottle that states drowsiness as a possible side effect.

Oh, but don't you worry about that this month. Due to an insurance transition hiccough that is still unresolved, one of my medications (fluoxetine, 100mg/day) ran out about a week and a half ago. So I'm not gonna be at risk for any drowsiness side effect. Can't even say for sure if it effected me that way - but I'm not a doc. All I know is that right now I am as far away from sleeping as I have EVER been. I am SPITZING, BLAZING, barely coherently HOT PISSED right now!!

You could have taken several measures to not only ensure the public safety (okay, sure, and order) and at the same time respect the dignity of a guy who has never been in trouble with the law before but for a speeding ticket and, back when he was 17 (?), when he rear-ended another driver on the way TO SEE HIS OPTOMETRIST!!!

Yeah - I've had many of the mishaps and troubles of the geeky and socially inept clutz. I didn't realize that it was a crime to be "odd". I didn't realize it was a crime to be on the property of a PUBLIC community college (where personal safety is, is it not, likely higher) too dog-tired to just start his car and buzz off.

I didn't realize this. Officer number 5 (I think it was number 5 - you wouldn't let me see the records), who told me that "you know, these have been recorded as trespassing don't you?".

I stammered. I was short of breath. I was shocked and pissed and taken aback and scared and outraged and angry and confused and panicky all at once. You wanna see how that feels? No, you do not. Anyway, that was the first time I realized that I might get myself into trouble if I was found on campus asleep in my car after hours again.

So, I wasn't. BUT, wouldn't you know that, at about twenty after 9pm on the very next Friday, one Officer Christopher O'Sullivan just happened upon my car, among the many others in the parking lot at that time, and approached me with what is now a well-accounted incident. Basically, he was looking for me, it would seem, and rather than tell me that I was forbidden from the campus *period*, of which I was unaware, or believe me, I'd have been to a lawyer or judge or some advocate to press charges against YOUR department for this unjust infingement of my liberty and access to public resources, he chose to be confrontational and sarcastic and insulting.

Yes, even then, apparently, I maybe had the power to avoid arrest. I overheard the conversation O'Sullivan had with the desk/dispatcher - while he was searching my vehicle subsequent to my willful and cooperative consent (and of course resulting in nothing suspicious or incriminating except for the pillow in my back seat - as if that's a crime!) - and he indicated out loud over the radio that he was disposed to "let me go" with a summons to appear to answer for this idiocy.

I must have pissed him off when I answered his question truthfully (and very literally, as is my tendency and neurological pathology)) when he asked me, clearly becoming exasperated with me, if I'd rather discuss this with a judge.

I answered "well, yeah, if that's okay" or "yeah, actually, that'd be good" - or something equally, in hindsight, stupid. But my tone was calm, respectful, and yes, a little scared. But I honestly would have prefered to explain things to a judge (by definition, a scholar) and not a police officer (my general impression of this profession being that it is staffed with those who prefer action to thinking, and don't look kindly upon geeks and other wimps).

I don't like that kind of person. I just feel very uncomfortable around them, whether they are wearing a badge, a football helmet, army fatigues, mechanics overalls, or a hardhat. Yes, these are generalities and as such are not universal. But the feeling I get from a guy who grunts or smirks at my vocabulary, or takes one look at my short, long-haired bespectacled self and visibly - YES, VISIBLY!!! - reduces his respect for me on the spot, is one of familiar anxiety and social isolation the likes of which makes me wish I had beaten up on the jerks in high school who shoved me into lockers and laughed at me in gym class.

But, I'm not that kind of person.

I'm a wuss. I'm pathetic. I'm a victim unless I learn to once and for FREAKIN' all stand up for myself and say NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, O'Sullivan: NO MORE!!!! Hey, Holland: NOOOOO MOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT going to scare me. Go ahead, file more bogus charges. I'll add that to my list of transgressions for which I fully intend to compel YOU to answer.

It is my intention to compel you to appear and answer to violations of the following statues, not all inclusive:

-Chapter 268: Section 6A.
-Chapter 268: Section 13B
-Chapter 265: Section 21 (you remember the ATM visit, Chris?)
-Chapter 263: Section 5 (how can I confront or question witnesses who remain where I am forbidden to go??)

There's more, but I don't wanna show my hand.

I am DONE being the victim. At this point, NO consequence could be worse than continuing to cower before bullies, and that includes the possibility of self-inflicted death depending on the outcome of my little court date on July 10th. But, in all honesty, the way my ears are burning and my arms and hands are shaking and my stomach is cramping and my head is pins and needles and my heart is roaring out of my chest right this very minute - and every time I think about this, I may not last until then. If life isn't fair - I am SO done with it. Whether the bullies haunt me from within, whether they are grunting at me as they toss the pig-skin, or whether they cower behind the badge that gives them an authority they clearly don't respect or deserve.


I am DONE!!!

I am *FUCKING* DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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